


Fireball

by wanderingsmith



Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 08:44:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2422469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingsmith/pseuds/wanderingsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing he remembered was feeling his legs collapse and dropping heavily to his knees, eyes still fixed on the hungry flames turning the night-world a sickly red.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me for this. As it is thought, so let it be said; you make the toys, I play with 'em.

"I'm done, I'm done! Just found the last disc in the last fucking room."

Watching Toll and Caesar run up to his and Gunner's position, Barney yelled his reply into the radio while laughing at Caesar's unexplained happy-dance, "Well get your ass out of there! There are steaks with our names on them somewhere out-"

The explosion threw what seemed like half the bad guy's mansion into the air, and Barney went cold in shock, staring. 

Lee...

Half-conscious of trying to breathe as more explosions went off, he stuttered out a breath and managed to make his hand tighten before the radio fell out of it, shouting into it, "LEE!" 

Dead static was his only answer as he watched a wall of flame swallow the compound 500 yards away. 

The last thing he remembered was feeling his legs collapse and dropping heavily to his knees, eyes still fixed on the hungry flames turning the night-world a sickly red.

Lee...

\--

ShitshitshitSHIT!! 

Caesar wanted to shoot something. Preferably for a solid five minutes. But he knew right now they had to fucking get the hell out of here. Fucking place.

He ripped his eyes from the fucking traitor's blood-money-paid rubble and found the rest of his team, dark fury filling his veins. Gunner was still staring grimly at the smoke and dust-choked building, but Toll, in sync after all these years, met his eyes, looking just as insanely angry, and they both looked at the boss for the word. And then Caesar's temper chilled. Fuck this was not good. 

He jerked forward a step, yelling but not touching, "We gotta go, Barney! Come on, man! We can't-" Toll grabbed his arm with a grim look at the complete lack of response. Fuck. He looked over at Gunner, by then having stepped up to join them, "Gimme your gun, get 'im on his feet or carry 'im and we'll cover you." 

Gunner grimaced, knowing damn well that was a bad bet to take, but as Toll watched the wrecked building for pursuit, the Swede stepped over willingly enough, handed Caesar his rifle, and reached to lift their unresponsive boss under the arms.

And at the first touch, Barney exploded with a wordless roar, an elbow flying at Gunner's head as he managed to jump to his feet all in one fucking move. He even managed to take two steps toward the building before they could react; but they'd all three suspected what'd happen and they were ready enough to jump him, Caesar and Gunner each grabbing an arm as Toll tackled his legs to bring him down, all their guns getting jangled and tangled in the rush.

Caesar had more than half-hoped the impact'd be enough to snap the old mercenary to his senses, but when he turned on all of them with wild strength and nothing but howling fury on his face, Toll shouted, "We don't have time for this, Caesar! Bastards'll be coming after us in a minute!" 

"I KNOW! Fuck ouch dammit, old man!" He managed, barely, to keep his grip on Barney's right arm, but they had to- "Gunner!" How'd he get a free arm and still keep his grip?? "Knock 'im out!!"

There was no time for a breath of relief when Ross' body went slack with Gunner's first punch because now that the fire's roar had settled, they could all hear the bad guys shouting. 

Caesar scrambled to his feet, "Gunner! You got the boss! Toll, you got point! Let's get the fuck outa this hellhole" 

\--

Lee bit back a shitload of nasty words when he hit the end of the road. He could hear bad guys scurrying above, but he could also see his team, thank fucking God, in the too fucking long distance. No way he could run that wide-open gap without some lucky shot taking him down. And no way he could make it through the trees at the edge of the lawn before his team left without him.

He grimaced, staring hard at the figure halfway up the hill framing the property, then took a deep breath and screamed at the top of his lungs, "CAESAR!"

\--

Caesar was trailing Toll and Gunner toward their pickup point, jogging sideways and glaring behind them, as much hoping for a glimpse of hope as he was watching for pursuit. When he actually heard his name over the racket the bad guys were making, he immediately jerked to a stop, searching for- THERE! Distant black figure in a doorway jumping up and down and madly waving a beret while shadows went berserk on the roof above him

"He's alive!" Even as he shouted, he was raising his baby to secure Christmas' path.

\--

The second his voice rang out, Lee heard the men above go bananas and had a bad feeling they had stairs entirely too close, but before he could decide to risk their getting a lucky shot at his moving ass, he saw Caesar stop and look back and he started waving, knowing the lights were probably making him invisible. 

Ha! No, there, he was unslinging the Gatling! 

As soon as the first shot hit the stones above him, Lee took off, running as fast as his 'short' legs would go, trusting to Caesar's cover rather than waste time making himself a hard target.

When he finally caught up with them, he stopped to catch his breath as his shoulders almost got dislocated by hearty slaps.

"We thought you were dead!" Toll was splitting his grinning mug between staring at Lee and watching the path to their transport for any surprises.

Caesar didn't bother saying a word, sticking to laughing like a loon as he did regular sweeps to keep their pursuit back, but Gunner naturally couldn't resist reaching around his burden to smack the back of Lee's skull as he grinned too. 

His breath under control, Lee got his rifle ready as he stared hard at the tall blond, "Sorry about that. What the hell happened to Barney??"

For *that*, Caesar stopped shooting and exchanged grim glances with the other two before looking Lee in the eye, "Went nuts, tried to run back, wouldn't hear us. Had to knock him out."

Lee froze for a second longer than they could afford, staring at the edge of the unconscious man's face. He swallowed hard against the looping, spinning, howl at the back of his mind. Muttered, mostly to himself, "Oh there's gonna be so much trouble."

"We didn't have a choice!"

Lee shook his head, waving Toll's agitation away, "I meant for me." They all turned at the sound of engines coming closer, "Gotta go! That damn transport better be over the hill!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I like stereotypical plot devices -shrug-. Just look at history: repeating plot devices is a very Human thing. Hey! that means for once I'm conforming, right? um.. wait, is that a *good* thing?? um.
> 
> I *am* going to finish this damn drawing before posting the next part. I *am*.


	2. Caesar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the soppy meat section is being stubborn.. here's some ~~teaser~~ appetizer

Once they'd scrambled aboard the waiting chopper, Christmas waved Gunner to him as he hurriedly strapped himself to one of the cabin walls, "Give him here."

From his own spot settling on the opposite side of the cramped cabin, Caesar watched disbelievingly as the brit growled at Gunner to leave him be and get his own seat; and then wrestled the boss' unconscious and weapon-strewn body until he had Ross' upper body laying across his lap, hugging his shoulders until his head was all but on Christmas' shoulder.

Effecting not to notice the fascinated stares of not only Caesar now, but Toll and Gunner too, Christmas frowned at them, suspicious, "How come he's not stirring yet? Just how'd you knock him out?"

Before Caesar could speak up, Gunner gave his best bored look, "I punched 'im."

Christmas gave the tall blond an 'oh shit' look that Caesar well understood: Gunner couldn't really be trusted to control his strength once he was in fight-mode. But.. "He was the only one with a free hand. And Barney wasn't pulling his punches on *us*." Including on Caesar's cheek, which he could feel swelling up, now that adrenaline was losing its grip.

That made Christmas freeze for a bit, just the way he had earlier; as though Barney losing his cool was shocking. But then he shook himself with a familiar scowl and snarl, "Toll, go find out what pilot the agency sicced on us and just where he's taking us, will ya?"

As Toll stepped to the cockpit, Caesar kept staring, aware that he should look away but too fascinated by Christmas' *mothering* side. He wasn't *quite* rocking his oversized burden.. but he *was* petting the boss' shoulder, and keeping him tugged close. And leaning his head.. *almost*.. rubbing.. his *nose* on his cheek...

Stony old golem *Christmas*!

..Thank God the bastard was alive!

"Taking us to a carrier in the gulf. We're supposed to be met by a plane."

Toll met their disgusted looks, even Caesar's -a *carrier*? Gonna be fucking formality central!- with his own, but it was Christmas that voiced what they all thought, muttering into the boss' finally greying hair, "Great. Fucking stiff-necked Navy prats."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd originally mean both their faces to be turned in such a way that I would even have to think of apologizing for lack or recognizability...  
> -shrug- sorry.  
> I just wanted to draw it for the pose :)  
> [full-size link](http://poppydesign.org/wanderingsmith/Expendables/wanderingsmithExp_20141009_fireball.jpg)


	3. Lee

It was.. odd, to hold Barney like this. Physically awkward to hold the man's upper body, weight and breadth, to keep him in place. And yet. 

He hadn't thought, not really, about what the others would think when the bomb blew. He wasn't being callous, he reminded himself against the twitch of guilt, he just happened to be a little busy surviving. 

He'd realized they'd leave, thinking him done, but.. 'Went nuts. Tried to run back.' Lee leaned his head down, burning pain in his chest making him need to comfort, now that there were no bad guys to watch for or transport to run for. 

Even if he didn't really have the right to give this kind of touch, he couldn't not try to ease the pain he knew Barney had felt. And he *could* make sure that whatever sound of his heartbeat made it past his tac vest and the thrum of the chopper got right in Barney's ear.

'Cause he'd been there. That roof had disappeared in a smoke cloud, but he'd known it was actually crumbled under the screening veil that had stolen the sight of the desperately running figure from his sight. Known there was no hope.

And he knew Barney had feared this day. 'What I can't live with, is taking you with me.' He'd never wanted to give his friend's nightmares more fodder. The two of them had been lucky, all these years, ring or no ring. Close calls aplenty, but not.. separated. At least not long enough, or in a bad enough situation, to really believe the other was dead. 

And now twice in a year. Maybe they were getting too old for this shit.

Wouldn't Barney laugh to hear *him* say that! ..Please let him laugh again.

His wandering thoughts flashed away when he felt the shoulders he held start to stiffen, holding on tight in case Barney woke up still stuck in the memory he'd been knocked out with.

And this time he completely fucking ignored their established rules of distance and nosed at sideburns enough for his warmth to be felt by the skin underneath, whispered in Barney's ear to be heard. "Everything's good. Everybody's fine. I'm alive. I swear, Barney, this is real and I'm OK." He felt like a fool saying it; why would anyone need to hear that *he* was alive with anything like that urgency? It felt like making himself more important than he was. 

But there'd been no reason other than Lee's... safety, for Barney to try to run into that compound. And Lee *did* know that Barney cared about every member of his team; oldest, newest, craziest and every man and woman in between held a piece of his soul. After young Billy being cut down, Stonebanks shooting good old Caesar up had made something in him so painfully hard and ragged that the man could barely move. Now having one of them get caught in an explosion...

He wrapped himself over further -hell with his image!-, one hand stroking reassuring circles on a shoulder that was shaking, and keeping Barney's ear in place with the other, though he couldn't press it closer than the man was already holding himself. He might be petting his skull a bit, though, stiff and sweaty hair curling around his fingers. "I got out. We-" With his face so close, he heard the tiny sound of distress that escaped with the shiver that shook the man's frame, leaving more shakes in its wake that Lee couldn't let himself think about. Couldn't, here and now, think of Barney so hurt, or he'd lose it. And there was Navy brass to not piss off. And a tired team that didn't deserve dealing with Lee freaking out after they'd kept their boss alive.

All he could do, knowing the memory that had slammed in wouldn't leave any time soon, was wrap tighter around his friend, closer; trying to feed him the reality of warmth and life. Rub with hands, cheek and nose some more. And keep talking to stop the demons from starting on the wounded man just yet, lips close enough to his ear to brush -and fuck it if that counted as a kiss!-, "I'm OK. We all got out. Mission was completed and we are airborne and out of there and we are all *OK*. Just-" 

Heavy and utterly familiar hands clenched on his vest straps between their chests, gripping with desperation he felt in the bunched shoulder muscles, first movement from the still stiff form. And a raw voice whispered his name against his chest: a plea or a question, it was hard to tell. It made his heart clench in sympathy pain, glad he'd chosen to give into the need to throw away their boundaries to reassure. That ear never pulled away from his heartbeat and he husked in the other, feeling raw, himself, "Just take it easy. Clear your head of the shit. I'm here. Not going anywhere." Not leaving you. Not going to let you leave me. Not this time. Not for this. 

He didn't say it, not while Barney wasn't up to the fight; but he *did* promise himself.

He'd never been much of a touchy-feely guy, had somehow managed to avoid ever feeling moussed hair against his nose; and it was weird as shit. But it was contact. It was what *he'd* needed not so long ago, and he wasn't going to have Barney starve the way *he* had. "Everybody's A-ok. No burns, no broken bones; the bruise on my knee from tripping over your gun belt when we were gearing up hurts more than all the rest put together. Just rest. Or rest and listen while I go over what happened from my end. That way I won't have to repeat it." The minute nod of the head, no other shift to separate them, made that molten pain slick through his chest again, his hand tight on the shoulder. Wishing he could crawl inside Barney and literally *kill* the pain. Fucking bastards! Man didn't need more nightmares in his life.

He wasn't sure when he'd closed his eyes, but when he made himself lift his head and open them, he flinched at the light. They were flying east and the sky was starting to lighten. Another day in fucking wild blue paradise; but at least they were all here to see it, and all together.

When he looked down, he could hardly see the edge of Barney's face, limned with dawn and pressed into the unforgiving stiffness of Lee's armour. Just a sliver of pain-crumbled flesh, Lee's fingertips grazing the stubbled skin. Streaks of silver glowing in the black hair tickling his half-gloved hand. He could have sat and stared and allowed himself to feel the life; pretend all was well and he wasn't only getting this as a stolen moment. 

But .. there were others who deserved better treatment than he was giving them.

Caesar's was the first gaze he hit, dark and steady. All three of them were watching him, though, half-closed eyes to catch rest notwithstanding. From Gunner's weird half-mad half-sad fey look, to Toll's calm sympathy. Unhealthy dose of knowing in all of them.

Fuck if he cared. What Caesar's shorthand explanation in the field didn't spell out was easy enough to fill in. 

Wasn't like they didn't know the boss cared about all of them. Wasn't like they didn't know Lee did too. 

Maybe he couldn't see any of them keeping Barney this close. Maybe he didn't want to. But it was how he was dealing and they weren't gonna give him shit until Barney was back on his mental feet. And then Lee would deal with whatever they threw at him, just like he always did.

He caught Gunner's eyes in particular and was glad even the maddest one of the team seemed to be on the right page this time, the awareness there spelling safety for Barney's momentarily shredded nerves.

"When the bomb detonated, I was hoofing it, halfway across the inner courtyard. The ground collapsed under me. Turns out there was some big-ass tunnel under there. Luckily I didn't knock my head too bad on landing and still had the presence of mind to run back building-ward in the tunnel, 'cause the firestorm didn't waste any time following the blow. Once I was far enough back to not be broiled, I tried to call you guys," he leaned back down a sec, needing Barney to get this, "I wasn't.. I didn't mean to- to leave you in the dark." 

Never wanted to be the cause of you breaking like this.

Barney nodded imperceptibly again, the shake in him smoothing out and his head easing back, pressing into Lee's hand; and Lee relaxed a little, raising his voice again, though he figured they'd heard his lower tone well enough, "My radio was smashed. Must have landed on a rock or something. I had no way to let you know I was alive." The guys shrugged, understanding well enough, for all they'd no doubt rag him later for worrying them. "When the fire snuffed itself out, I ran out down the tunnel. No way to get back up, and I could hear the bad guys already out and crawling everywhere up there, anyhow. Could only hope it opened somewhere close enough to you guys." 

He nodded at Caesar, "When I finally reached the exit, I could hear a shitload of the bastards nearby -hell if I know how so many survived the blast-, and could just barely see Caesar in the distance, with wide open ground between. So I shouted as loud as I could and Caesar kindly swept the deck for me and.. we ran for the transport and the agency is now apparently taking us to a carrier."

"Fucking Navy."

The guys chuckled, relieved, at Barney's disgruntled mutter and Lee tried to smile down at his still closed eyes, "Couldn't have said it better myself."

When relatively easy silence fell without further commentary, Toll threw in conversationally, "Pilot said it'd be at least 45 minutes."

As the other three shifted around in automatic response to the thought of the wait, Lee stayed still, knowing that if he was up to insulting the Navy, Barney probably didn't need any more comforting. But he wasn't shrugging Lee's hands off. Wasn't saying a word about being released.

Hadn't loosened his grip.

So Lee kept rubbing his shoulder. Even went back to leaning his cheek down, shoving off his hesitation; worse Barney'd do to him was rag him, he knew that like he knew his name. And he wasn't above being greedy and taking some of this for himself. Some much-needed reassurance that *Barney* was OK; not fallen, broken and buried under tons of steel and concrete. Not cut down in a pointless charge. He shivered, images from the nightly nightmares of the last six months flashing at him.

"I know I lost it at some point, but I'm pretty sure I'm OK too."

Lee huffed an unamused laugh at that quiet comment on his too-obvious shiver. Almost started to let go, taking the words as a silent request, before Caesar's matter-of-fact voice distracted him.

When he looked up, the ex-Marine had his eyes all the way closed and head back. "We all froze when the first detonation hit. Figured you dead for sure, what with all the shit flying up into the air. And falling down. Then we saw the fireball sweep out. Said a prayer for ya. In between swearing. Was just starting to get that 'gotta GO' itch and expecting him," he jerked his chin, still without looking, at Barney, "To chivvy us out. But when I looked, he was on his knees. Face gone with shock. Even yelling at him, he didn't twitch; just stared. Figured Gunner could get him on his feet and keep him there as we bugged out. Soon as he tried to pull his shoulders up, Barney went nuts. Would have smashed Gunner good in the noggin if he hadn't been expecting it." 

Caesar gave a chuckle, though Lee could see the tension unchanged on his face, "Was on his feet and making to run at what was left of the building way too fucking fast to believe the man can still do. All three of us jumped on him, trying to restrain him without hurting him, but it wasn't working. So when I saw one of Gunner's hands free.." he opened his eyes and looked at Barney directly, though Barney never turned his face from Lee's chest, "I told him to knock you out. Then he carried you out."

A few silent seconds as they all absorbed that, and then Barney spoke, pitching his voice without moving, "Thanks Gunner."

Gunner smiled brightly, mad glee in his eyes suddenly, "Oh, *anytime*!"

Toll punched his shoulder, though he was grinning as Lee and Caesar chuckled at the unfaked enthusiasm. When Lee looked down, Barney's lips were crinkled in something close to his usual little smirk, even if he hadn't moved. And Lee tried to joke, tried not to show what it did to him to think of Barney losing the granite-hard core of control that sometimes drove Lee absolutely batshit with frustration.

"The minute I turn my back you're going apeshit on Gunner? And him trying to help, for once."

Face trying to press into him again, subtle wounded hunching of shoulders, plaintive whisper, "Lee."

Shit! Stupid fucking idiot. Lee exhaled silently, shakily, the whisper stabbing him in the fucking heart. Leaning back down, "Shhhh. Sorry. Sorry! You know my stupid mouth. Rest. Don't think I don't know you haven't slept right since your little war with Stonebanks."

He could feel Barney relax and shift back and was glad his mouth had avoided being stupid long enough for the man to recover himself, that he could now pull back out of the funk so quickly to frown with annoyance. And growl. "Neither have you."

Lee shrugged, "I'll close my eyes if you will."

"Mine're already closed."

Lee huffed a laugh, "Fine" he carefully bent his legs enough that they held Barney in place and his arms were relegated to just soothing. Then he leaned back against the wall behind him, already missing the warmth of being wrapped around the other man. "Sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh. ever write the draft of a story with one tilt to the plot... and then as you flesh out the story.. the flesh tilts in such a way that.. they don't meet in hte middle? and thou must now choose? -glares at Barney, waiting for answers-


	4. Barney

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clarify, in my headcanon -sticks tongue out at wikia- lacy was gone shortly after E2.

'Sleep'. Barney knew he should get the fuck up and sit on his own. 

There was zero excuse for clinging to Lee like this; especially in front of his crew. Even if it was his old guys, who damn well knew him; and respected him the way only men like they all were could. 

And he knew Christmas wouldn't say anything to boot his old ass out of this funk; not until he had to. Too damn caring for his own good under that attempt at a hardass cover. And Barney's weakness had been made too plain for his old friend to miss.

Except he hadn't been lying about how ragged Lee was getting. Something was eating him, and he hadn't let Barney get it out of him all these months that it had been wearing the man down. And he wondered -grasping for the distraction to not think of things that might just unman him, right now- if maybe he wasn't finally getting a hint. 

The hold he'd woken up in hadn't been forced; not that there was any reason for even Lee to think he needed to baby him that much. This was the brit's choice.

And he'd chosen to *hold* him. Not that Barney was complaining, but... Lee wasn't Galgo: he didn't touch people easily through the physical distance he kept even from Barney. And this was *touch* enough to keep even a desperate Italian from flying apart. 

The familiar hands on him and scents around him that made up Lee in the field had kept.. crazed howling panic, not to put too fucking fine a point on it, from making him lash out, when he woke up restrained. Lee's voice -god, his VOICE! How could he survive- no! Nonono not now, Barney- Lee's voice, close enough to be clear even with the helicopter. Holding back the nightmare vision of exploding fire. The mindless rage at the thought of Lee killed by those fucking bastards for such a WORTHLESS cause. 

He couldn't remember the scene Caesar had described, but the pain had been there waiting when he woke up. Was still there, digging at his stubborn denial, just waiting for a chance to take him down and tear him apart.

But Lee hadn't let him go, even once Barney was clearly not going to... do something stupid. Held him close and -god!- even wrapped his protective self, near enough, around Barney. Unselfconscious, even with the guys obviously near and in plain sight. Letting Barney lay there like the broken fool he was instead of ragging him. Offering heartbreakingly soft comfort instead of his trademark grouching. 

'I got out' Fuck that had hurt. -Flames swallowing the compound- Mad pain for a second clawing him alive until Lee was there, warmth and touch and protection beating the pain back -and god how was Barney supposed to give this up??-. But Lee.. doing this so *easily*... had this- had *he* been needing this too? But why.. since when-

..Oh shit. Barney's heart froze, even as he kept shivering like a sick child. 

-Faint half-remembered image of Lee staring at him like he was a ghost, pale with unvoiced pain- Had they.. had they not seen he'd caught that rope, in the commotion of exploding building and banking chopper? His hands grasped and fisted hard on Lee's vest, straps cutting into him without half the pain that twisted inside, feeling Lee tug him impossibly closer -damn his weak hide for wanting the vest gone from between them- in response. 

Had Lee thought he was dead? Had he crouched in that chopper door and stared at that dust-cloud ..like Barney had stared. Burning rubble a smoking tomb. Ears ringing with Lee's last words drowned in the blast. Black empty impossible to bear loss... Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck!! Not now. He couldn't... they couldn't do this now. Mission might be done but he still had to get his team clear home. Then.. 

He made himself relax his grip as Lee straightened and started a debrief; wishing he could stop shivering. 

Then, then he'd make damn sure Lee was ok. Couldn't stand the thought of Lee hurting. Lee dead was.. death for Barney, sooner or later. But.. the reality of Lee hurting day in and day out- when Barney could make it better... He suddenly knew he couldn't accept that. No matter what the consequences. 

It was terrifying to think of allowing Lee even closer to Barney's death-drawing side, but he'd now seen where that road ended. He could accept that pain. He couldn't accept Lee's. Whatever the man needed from Barney, he'd damn well get. 

'Sleep'. He didn't want to. Lee wasn't; the hand on his shoulder was still petting him in un-needed apology. But it was good to lie here and feel Lee slowly un-tense. Listen to calm breathing. He almost, *almost* thought he could sleep, with this to keep him sane. 

"I can hear you thinking, Barney."

The hands on him had never gone distracted; he wasn't the only one wide-awake, "Ditto, Christmas."

"Would you both quit whispering? I need my beauty sleep, here."

"Beauty?"

"Bald is beautiful, Gunner."

"Brain is better, Caesar."

"Well that rules *you* out, Toll."

"Shut up, Baldy-two."

"Two??"

Before Lee could start a roll-call of just how long they'd all been throwing themselves into shit together, Barney tried to quiet the hyper bunch back down. "You're all interrupting my thinking, you know."

"Sounds like a *good* idea, to me. You're supposed to be sleeping."

How was he supposed to resist THAT?? "You saying my beauty needs help?"

"..From the look of that grin, I don't think Christmas minds it at all just as it is."

Barney had to slit open an eye to sneak a peak at that. Oh fuck. The soft look he caught directed down at him the second before Lee threw rolled eyes at Caesar... that had been... oh fuck. Lee. How could he have missed that all these years?? And how could Lee aim his knives so good if he was that blind??

"Oh, here we go. Can't keep your mouth shut, can you, Caesar?"

"Aw don't be like that, man: we're cool. Right guys?"

"Only thing important is a healthy relationship."

".."

"Gunner? You're part of the 'we' in we're cool, right?"

"..Uh? Sorry, Caesar. Got to thinking about Yin."

"Think you missed your chance there."

Poor old Gunner. At least Barney wasn't the only stupid blind fuck in this outfit. But maybe... if *Barney* hadn't lost all his chances, maybe Gunner still had some too; was worth giving him hope. "Oh I don't know, Toll. Trench has a knack for pissing people off. If I tell Yang he misses him, he'd probably come back. Maybe even for the same pay."

"Yeah. Just for the pleasure of riling, you, Gunner. Hey! That means we'd get our free theatre back!"

"Don't knock the pleasure of having someone to rile, Caesar."

"You'd know all about that, Lee." Shit.. that had been too fucking soft a tone, Barney, way to show your hand.

"Yeah, see? If you've been trying to rile 'im, I'd say you need a primer on what the word means...'Lee'."

"Caesar's right. I can help you with that, though."

"You're all heart, Gunner."

When the chopper suddenly banked, the chatter cut off like a knife. As the guys looked at the carrier coming into view through the door, Lee reluctantly straightened his legs out to let Barney up. 

A wisecrack would probably be wise, he thought as they awkwardly shifted to separate, but he couldn't think of a word that wouldn't sound wistful. Somehow, physically awkward had changed to healing comfort, for all the pain underlying it.

Barney had managed to carefully sit partway up, just having let go of Lee's vest, when Lee, frown locked on where Barney's elbow had to go to get himself up, saw and felt the man's other hand settle heavily on his chest for no apparent reason. And then the thumb stroked back and forth. His eyes jerked up and met a solemn look inches from his own. 

Holy shit. His mouth just about dropped at the certainty of.. That was.. He was still staring at him as Barney, expression unchangingly calm and steady, gave one small, slow, nod and lifted the hand and got himself the rest of the way up. 

Lee unconsciously brought his own hand up in the same spot. That was.. either an offer.. or a promise.. *Something*. Something that was probably going to change his fucking life. Though *how*...

The fog that thought left in his head kept the two hours of Navy bullshit until their plane was allowed to take them home from going anywhere near his temper. His eyes stayed glued to the back of Barney's head and he didn't let it get out of range. And if anyone gave him a second glance for it, Barney never waved him off, and that was the only message he'd follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise I didn't follow the same trains for thought nor even specific scene locators in the 2 POVs. I'm not going to claim it was deliberate, 'cause it's stupid to lie about something as simple as 'the ideas came in this state'.  
> I *did* consider Editing it so they'd match. But. Just because you *think* someone is reacting to a word you just said.. doesn't mean they are. They could have been, frequently *are*, thinking of entirely different things as you follow your own train of thought, even as you babble your train of thought.  
> So. I'm leaving as is. -shrug-, you no like.. such is life. after all, **I'm** still not satisfied with this blasted chapter either, but it's not improving for getting twitched and tweaked and glared at, so it's going to have to face the light of day... snort, not like I'd get an Emmy no matter how I magically polished it ;)


	5. Sane ones

Half his attention on tracking Lee's form as he stowed his gear and headed for his turn at the hangar's showers, Barney finally turned away and caught Toll and Caesar's eyes as they sat, waiting for the others to be ready to go for the promised steaks with the rest of the Expendables, chilling out on camp chairs next to the plane that had sat untouched for the last couple jobs. He cleared his throat, uncomfortable, "Sorry about.. losing it on you guys." he made sure to deliberately glance at the noticeable bruise covering Caesar's cheek.

Toll shrugged, waving his words away. Caesar gave him a measuring stare that he met, knowing he'd earned the doubt, "Wasn't surprised it took your legs out," Caesar shrugged, "We know how hard you take it when we're hurt." he stared harder, "You remembering our taking you down yet?"

"..No." Normally a blank like that ate at him. This time, he didn't really care what the fuck he'd done during the blackout. He trusted his team's version to mean he didn't need to worry about consequences. And he didn't need to know if the pain he remembered was all there was or if there was worse hiding in the dark recesses of his fucked-up head.

"You admitting to yourself what that means?"

"Yes." Though he frowned; he'd yet to come up with a decent plan for fixing it. And he knew he needed to: the damn isolated bucket seats of the Navy's transport home hadn't let him get close enough to Lee to try to keep the nightmares from obviously stealing all his rest. If he hadn't known damned well the man was strong as hell and that this was only a couple more nights, he'd have said to hell with the sailors and any crimp to the brit's pride and would have sat on the floor between his legs to be able to shake the nightmares away from him. Or he'd have just dragged him down to sit side by side on the fancy carpeted floor; maybe they could both have rested, then...

Instead, he'd kept his frustrated grinding of teeth to himself, kept himself away from his own nightmares by spending too much time on his cell tracking where the rest of the scattered Expendables were, and now... Now Lee looked exhausted enough to fall asleep on his feet and Barney was going to insist that the man leave his bike in the hangar and ride in his truck. And would kidnap him, if necessary, to whatever surface Lee would agree to share until they both had enough sleep to think straight; and talk. That far he could plan.

When Barney's internal wanderings ended and he looked back up at them, Toll caught him and spoke before Caesar could find more questions. "You better not be thinking that shoving Christmas away is a solution."

Ignoring that as none of their business until... well, until he himself knew what he was thinking; or better, until he, *and Lee*, figured out the new situation, Barney stared at both of them quizzically. "Are you seriously telling me you don't care that I.. *froze* in the middle of an op??" 'Cause his decision to fix things with Lee... if he really had missed the signs he thought he had... the fix might not be compatible with their being in the field together. And he'd expected what had.. how he'd reacted, to have at least brought the subject into the open.

Toll snorted, "'Course we *care*. We don't expect Gunner to be diplomatic; we don't expect Christmas to stop himself from showing off. And we *do* expect you to go nuts if Christmas buys the farm. We wish all of you weren't so fucked up," he shrugged in obviously faked unconcern, "But as the perfectly-adjusted, sane, ones, we accept you as you are."

Caesar snorted over Barney's brief crack of laughter, "What he said. And for the record, if *my* wife or kids ever get dragged into an op, you'd all better be ready for me to go apeshit." 

"I *will* say, don't be too surprised if we argue like hell when you try to split you and Christmas up. You're each other's best backup and the best way to deal with you losing it is NOT have the situation that causes it."

"Not always a choice."

Toll gave him a hard look, "Sometimes it is."

Hearing Gunner walking toward them, Barney reluctantly nodded rather than draw out the discussion. Wasn't as though he disagreed with the theory. He'd figured out before the end of their first op together that the former SAS soldier had a knack for reading Barney that was only matched by how easily Barney anticipated him. It was spooky, but it was damned useful and he'd always preferred to have Lee nearby. For reasons that had multiplied with every year together.

It just wasn't always the best use of their strengths for a situation. Sometimes Christmas was the only person he could stand to do a job in his stead while he himself was forced to another. And sometimes... yeah, he couldn't help preferring to send *himself* on the suicidal runs. Even if the non-suicidal roles turned out, in the balance, as often deadly as the seemingly suicidal ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the rest is actually draft-written!! so it WILL appear. in coming days...


	6. Shop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more to come. promise. alcohol slowing some braincells.. have to hunt down those weaklings and get rid of 'em...

"He still trying to beat Gunner?"

Lee chuckled, slowly shaking his head with a smile at Galgo desperately trying to hold the last fraction of an inch from losing his arm-wrestle, "You gotta admire his persistence."

Barney snorted somewhere near and Lee felt him come to stand close behind Lee's stool, "You're not the one that had him tagging his heels begging to be let into a mission."

Lee turned his head and gave him a glare, momentarily wide-awake: those bad days were never something he could handle with equanimity, "At least it meant you weren't going alone." 

But the dark thought and the nightmares it brought forward hazed away and he turned back forward when laughter broke out at the table Tool had been convinced to set up in the middle of the shop for the impromptu tournament. Which Lee had chosen to sit a good body's length away from when Doc had thrown Smilee from the table after losing his match. After not sleeping more than scattered minutes during the two days it'd taken to come home, Lee knew he was on the edge of collapse; if he didn't trust Barney implicitly, he would have had to refuse to eat with the gang tonight. As it was, he was *not* in the mood to be dragged into a wrestling match on concrete. 

"Oh that just can't end well..." he muttered, watching Mars and Toll jockey into position, knowing it didn't matter who won, they'd-

Barney's hands coming to rest on his shoulder completely derailed his none-too-steady thoughts. 

Just resting on him. Dual spots of heat soaking into him and he just relaxed without a second thought, some faint memory trying and failing to remind him not to. He just sighed and let himself go limp until his back leaned on the warm -strong and *alive*-, chest behind him instead of holding himself up. 

When one of the hands shifted, though, he grabbed at it and slapped it back on his shoulder, eyes darting open, vaguely surprised to discover he'd closed 'em. Vaguely shocked at the desperation the loss of that touch had sent stabbing through him.

"Easyyy, not going anywhere."

The oddly soft, quiet gravel into his ear short-circuited the fear and he relaxed again, releasing the grip, feeling the hand just slide down and come to rest over his heart, holding him more tightly back against solid strength he'd always known was there, but not often felt. The energy that had kept him going through the drawn-out stealthy hike to the op was long gone with its need; he was too tired to think anything, now. He tried to keep his eyes open, but the safe heat wrapping him, the shop's familiar smell of ink and grease and exhaust and, closer and stronger, Barney's beer, smoke and sweat, even the rumble of the team's voices and cheerful jeers, all lured him to sleep. Even knowing he'd only find nightmares that knew him too well there, he had no hope of staying awake. 

 

He hadn't expected Lee to fall asleep on him like this. He'd seen him sitting alone and uncharacteristically far from everyone; he'd have looked like an outcast, if he hadn't been bleary-eyed and slumped and simply a tired man needing to be put to bed. Barney had automatically joined him, as usual. Not so usual was that he'd managed to beat off the years of self-enforced distance to grab his shoulders: a weak first step that probably did more for his *own* growing need for touch to hold off darkness than it did for half-asleep Lee's. Though the way he was tilting rather unsteadily, it was possible Barney'd have extended the contact, even without his new personal mission.

To feel him hand himself wide-open to Barney while their whole crazy gang of mercenaries had a clear view from just a few feet away... Damn, he should have pulled him to the floor of that transport and made sure he got rest! Now Barney was stuck here, and Lee with him, at least until the guys -and girl: there went Luna challenging Doc- were done their contest; leaving would create an adrenaline-fed ruckus he wouldn't put Lee through in this state.

He looked around, but Tool's place wasn't.. well, there was no spot where he could either sit and bookend Lee, or have him outright lay the hell down. So he stayed where he was, glared at Thorn when he happened to glance at them, then at Gunner, who ignored the glare and tilted his beer at him with shocking -for Gunner- sobriety. 

And he wondered faintly what it was *Lee*'d read in his face to look so stunned on that chopper. It had been a good stun, though; a weird kind of hope in it, cut with fear that he rarely saw on Christmas' face. The hand taking the place of his just another confirmation that Barney really was a fucking idiot.

Hell. How was he supposed to.. what?? Ask Lee about his *feelings**?? He'd *already* REPEATEDLY asked him to talk about what was bothering him! The only concession the man'd made was to growl that 'no, it had nothing to do with Lacy, was he losing his memory?' Well fine, it had *seemed* like a reasonable guess. Even if she'd been gone a while by then. What the hell was a man *supposed* to think? 

When had Lee *ever* hinted that Barney meant enough to him that one more last-minute rescue would leave him needing something more? -Impossible to bear loss shocked into blood-red madness when something touched him through the empty world-, Barney stiffened at the memory, forcing it back to the dark. Not now. Lee needed him, right now; the fucking agony lurking in his own head could fucking wait its turn making him fall to his knees.

When Lee started twitching, Barney's arms slipped around his chest in a firmer hug in case he managed to jerk the stool over, his open shirt falling around Lee, half hiding Barney's face as well as he got his mouth next to an ear to get a mutter over their rowdy comrades, "It's alright! Easy, Lee, everything's OK. Come on, settle down, Christmas!"

Powerful hands latched onto Barney's wrists, nails digging in as Lee shuddered, voice low and slurred, edged with fear that made Barney tug him more tightly to himself -and hate himself a bit more-, "Barney?"

"I'm here. Everything's fine. I've got you. I'll get you home soon." Lee sighed as Barney muttered to him -almost.. as though it'd been what he needed-, already slumping back again. "I've got you. Go back to sleep."

He heard a very faint snort and felt his exhausted armful turn its head clear of the shirt to slur, "Why aren't you as tired as I am?"

"I didn't play Indian scout running back and forth from that compound to our marching troop of artillery mules," he tightened his arms, cheek rubbing against the almost-bare skull instinctively, his voice dropping rougher, "And I haven't had *that* bad a time the last few months." That hadn't even been five minutes. And he'd seemed in and out during that flight, which Barney had assumed was at least partly adrenaline draw-down... and stupid worry for Barney. Maybe that had been another in a list of bad assumptions.

Lee gave a slow shrug, his head dropping back, loose and trusting, and Barney carefully corralled him close and secure. Knife-calloused hands still holding on to his arms with the strength that he loved and trusted and relied on.

Maybe not such a weak first step.

\--

Galgo elbowed Toll in the middle of a jeer at Doc and he glared at the Spaniard until the man jerked his head toward the open area away from the table. Then Toll hissed a curse under his breath at seeing Christmas' slumped form half-hidden in the boss' shirt while Ross glared into the distance. Later he'd make sure to tell Caesar just what he thought about the fact that he looked as protective as Christmas had on that chopper. For now, he shifted to Doc's side and leaned down to mutter in his ear, "Enough. Boss needs to go." He saw Doc stiffen his hold to glance at the bosses, Luna following instinctively, as well as most the watching crew, everyone jerking their eyes back as soon as they saw what was up. Doc and Luna looked at each other and Doc smiled, letting his arms lower gently.

Toll straightened, raising his voice, "Alright, enough. I'm done in," he yawned, not having to fake much of it, though feeling Ross' gaze suddenly sharp on his skin, "Getting too old for desert patrols with a fucking canon on my shoulders."

Barney's wry smirk said he didn't buy it, but the warm eyes and the little nod at all of them were grateful, and they all busied themselves getting Tool's shop back to its normal state with smiles, eyes firmly kept away from the sound of the boss muttering, all quiet-like.

By the time Toll turned back, Christmas was on his feet, though his eyes weren't focusing on anything and the boss' hand on his shoulder looked like it was keeping him vertical as well as guiding him. Keeping unaccustomed distance from them with out-of-it Christmas at his side, Ross met everyone's eyes, one by one, leaving behind the quiet smiles of people who knew they'd done a good job. "You know I love making speeches-" snorts and jeers from the old crew, minus Christmas -though Toll saw even *he* manage to smirk weakly-, interrupted him, and Ross grinned, easy with the teasing. "You done good, each of you. Hell of lot of you maniacs to keep track of and keep out of shit, but we've done some neat work in the last six months together, and that's no mean feat. Keep it up," he waved them all toward the bay door, "Let's get out of Tool's long hair. Rest up, we'll meet up on.." He blinked to a stop, then looked quizzically at Tool, hanging back on a bike with his mysterious smile, "What day is it?"

Over the snickers, Tool smirked at him, "That kinda broke that pretty speech, Barney. It's Tuesday."

Ross nodded, ignoring the jibe, "Fine, I'm good for a rest. Make sure you all sober up by next Monday and we can pretend to have a regular job," he laughed tiredly over the boos and hisses, "Get out of here!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for years friends have, in various ways, pointed out that people are fucked-up, ergo characters should be too. well, I've finally found characters I'm quite comfortable *leaving* as fucked-up idiots, lol
> 
> ..and, forgive my many grammar errors.. I'll read over this in next few days and correct (most).. really...


	7. drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be bundled with next part.. but someone needs cheering up... so please forgive the tweaking still required...

Within a couple minutes' drive of the shop, Lee was fast asleep, slumped over against his window. Within another minute he was twitching in his seat and Barney swore, making a sharp swerve into a gas station driveway to park, and then hurriedly reaching over and shaking the whimpering man awake with one hand on a shoulder, undoing Lee's seatbelt with the other. 

"Come on, Christmas, easy, now. You can't have been this bad before." He got him loose about the time Lee jerked upright, his eyes popping open, wide with terror, "Lee! Everything's okay! At ease." Barney slid the hand on his shoulder to the side of his neck, skin to clammy skin, leaning through his own seatbelt to catch his eyes in the pale street lighting.

"I..." Lee shuddered once before his face smoothed out into exhaustion, slumping back in the seat, "Sorry."

"Shut up. Lay down," he patted his thigh while applying gentle pressure to Lee's neck, "On top of the seatbelt, that's it. I'm not driving with you losing it while out of my reach."

"Losing it where I can interfere with your driving is better?" There was a hint of typical Lee mutiny in the slurred words, but he was already shuffling clumsily down.

"You can try to interfere." The monotone comeback was automatic, as automatic as breathing, even though he knew Lee probably didn't even register it. And he didn't spare the attention to give the words any inflection.

Once Lee was all the way down, face pressing into the old Jean material at Barney's hip without needing encouragement, long legs bent double, Barney held him with one hand on his back and reached to latch and tighten the seatbelt around his chest as much as he could. Taking a last minute to frown at the tired man, he absently stroked the reddened skin next to a cut behind his ear and spoke soothingly, "Try to remember I'm right here?"

A neutral snuffle was his only answer as Lee's hands, folded in front of his neck, grasped the tail of Barney's shirt like a security blanket.

The house was a half hour drive; and the start of five nightmares. Barney kept a hand on Lee's neck except to shift, and stroked and spoke whenever he felt his pulse jack up; and he somehow managed to keep any of them from waking him. How had the man gotten *any* rest for the last six months??

Sitting in his driveway, he stared down at street-light-lit features that were too damn tense, even in sleep, absently dropping his driving hand to curve over the heavy, bare skull warming his lap, and wondering when they'd gotten quite so fucked up. He wanted to see Lee smile again. Without the edge of tension and tired and cold that had been in it since the kids joined the team. Without the damned nightmare-induced bruising he could see under the eyelid half-hidden by Barney's shirt. Wanted him brash and cocky and confident that he was where he belonged. With Barney.

When Lee's pulse jacked again, it woke Barney from a half-drowse he hadn't seen coming and he worked him through the nightmare and waited a minute beyond that so he'd wake from normal sleep. He got both their seatbelts undone and then shook him carefully, watching his eyes snap awake with a soldier's reflexes; and smiled, glad he was even that much recovered. Strong as hell. "Don't force yourself all the way awake. Just need you to walk in the house and crawl into bed."


	8. Bit of Angsting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was originally supposed to be a simple Lee convinces Barney to stop being a self-sacrificing idiot and accept the dangers of a relationship, cue some smut.  
> Lee pretended to be fine with it, at first. Then when the camera hit Action.. he went off on a bloody tangent!  
> Enter a month of frustrated swearing on my part. During which time many bits and pieces appeared.. but no continuity. until there were so many bits that I couldn't see them all...  
> have I mentioned I'm NOT a quilter? I'm quite certain you'll spot most of the seams as you read.
> 
> ...so. if this feels phoned-in.. I can only apologize.

The dose of fresh night air helped Lee's eyes open and his mind pick up. Enough to notice without that much surprise that this was Barney's house. And that he was being escorted to what he knew was the master bedroom; instead of one of the spare rooms he'd used in the past after team drinking nights that ran late. Which was a little less expected, to say the least.

With an arm around his waist. Even though Barney had to have noticed that Lee wasn't swaying the way he'd known he was while leaving Tool's.

When they stepped in the bedroom, though, Barney left him at the door and walked over to a dresser on the opposite wall. A quick look showed a room now lit from a dimmed overhead, with only a double bed, a night table, that dresser.. and a large enough open space in front of the door for Lee to run through a half-decent Tibetan sword-dance. Nice. "Barney?"

Barney turned with some folded clothes in his hand, "Yeah."

"..What are y-" he stalled, almost *hearing* him brushing any remotely emotional question off, and opted instead to try for the straighter field-Barney, ".. What's the plan?"

And Barney barely hesitated, voice coming out as matter-of-fact as it had ever been, "..Figure out what you need. Make sure you get it."

 

Lee froze, eyes narrowing, "What *I* need." 

Barney might have failed to catch many things, but catch Christmas' rising temper he WAS good for. "Christmas?" 

The man stalked toward him, looking more awake and dangerous with every step, and Barney had to deliberately stop his instincts from defensively kicking in. He wasn't going to protect himself from Lee. 

Lee shoved at both his shoulders and he let himself stumble back, dropping the housepants he was going to offer as sleepwear, simply watching the man attentively. 

"What *I* need?? YOU-" Lee's jaw snapped close, teeth visibly tight, and then he stepped back, fists at his side as he hissed swearwords, Barney watching and trying to figure out what the fuck he was supposed to do to calm the tired man down. Lee finally seemed to force himself to loosen his jaw, waving his arms as he snarled, "You know the ironic thing? I was actually *worried* when this bloody hindering jackass-stubborn part of you vanished. I don't know what the *fuck* I was thinking!"

 

"What *I* need!" ..it was no use. He just wasn't angry enough to throw Barney's collapse in his face. Thinking about it now... just thinking about him clinging so desperate and silent numbed the anger in him and he stared at the man. Really stared for once, without annoyance or humour or.. anything really. 'What you need'. That Barney had a selfless streak was not new. That he tried to keep everyone safe was not new. 

The open worry he was allowing to show *was*, considering Lee wasn't bleeding. That he'd... lost his mind enough to attack his own men... was shocking and terrifying. Lee never, not EVER, wanted to be responsible for someone's...sanity. He'd failed to keep too many people happy, or even alive; fast knives would be no good keeping Barney in one piece if he depended on Lee for anything but fighting skills. And that wasn't acceptable. Not nearly. 

Surely Barney of all people knew better than to expect.. 'emotional' backup from Lee. Surely he did. He was just overtired and had let the pain of losing another of his team get to him. Whoever heard of Barney Ross needing anyone??

He could hear his voice dulling with exhaustion, but tried to at least keep it steady, even as he started to turn, straining to pull up his mental map of Barney's house, "Barney, I'm fine. I'm sorry y- You don't have to worry about me. I'll catch some zeez in one of the rooms, or just the couch, and then get out of your hair. You just make sure you get to bed, yourself."

"Like hell you're OK." The dead-calm voice was so at odds with the words that Lee stopped and looked back at Barney without bothering to react to the words. But the sharp dismay he caught visible on Barney's face sent a sluice of ice through him and forced him back awake. "You couldn't even keep yourself asleep for five minutes on the drive over. You aren't 'in my fucking hair', Christmas!" Barney's arms waved around with a stiffness that gave away as much as the damned fear now open on his face, "You're- You know damn well- You BETTER know you're welcome here!"

Shit! He couldn't deny that look. Couldn't pretend not to recognize it and know the hurt behind it. What the fuck did he do *now*?? He wanted to back out but.. had to fucking *say* something.. "Damn it, Barney, *you* know better than this. Know better than to think I can hold up my end-" He did step back from the hand Barney didn't seem entirely aware of having jerked toward him as his eyes widened in shock, Lee's own arms wanting but too tired to wave with the frustration riding him, "You can't just trust me with *this*! I'll fuck it up-"

"'Fuck it'- There is NOTHING for you to fuck up!" This time Barney moved deliberately and fast enough to catch his arms, eyes worried and locked on Lee's, voice calm but with an undercurrent of intense, "You be yourself, including freakouts; that is ALL you need to do, Lee."

"I'll hurt you." Bloody hell! He'd wanted to make sure Barney didn't wreck them by running away; how could he have known he'd do *this*?? How could he excuse sticking to him if-

"If I get hurt for loving you, it's LIFE that's hurting me, not you. You are you. I will NOT hold that against you. You are not responsible for me or my feelings. I might want to keep you safe behind me but I know I can't. I've spent 15 years accepting that I have to let you be yourself, no matter where it leaves me-"

"You deserve better-" Deserved someone who had a chance to heal the wounds of a lifetime of shit; someone who wouldn't just make more wounds.

"Don't you dare go there." The hands on his arms shook him gently, even though Barney looked like he wanted to shake him for real. "All the shit I've done in my life, Lee, I don't *deserve* anything. But I still *want* you."

If only it was that simple. "You have me."

He wasn't really surprised Barney growled before answering that one. "Twenty four seven. Worktime, downtime.. nighttime. I'm a selfish bastard, Lee. If you.. if you actually.." And *then* there was hesitation, a hard swallow few people had been allowed to see Barney feel, "Actually *care* about me, then I want all of you."

 

Lee kept staring at him, fear and pain laid out on those tired features until Barney let go his own fear that he was wrong and pulled him into a hug, dropping to a steady whisper in Lee's neck, trying not to let scent of skin and the man as a whole distract him from words he fucking *had* to find to get through the stiff resistance coming through his frame. He desperately wished he'd known he'd have to fight *this* fight so he could have come up with a plan.. ANY plan.. "Just as you are, Lee. Just as you become with what life throws at you. I never want you to make yourself anything *for me*, no matter where we end up."

Lee was slowly easing up in his hold; reluctance in every line, but Barney knew he wasn't the only one who couldn't easily resist what was between them. "Barney- You know damn well I care. But you can't-"

And Barney pressed him closer into his neck, the lack of resistance and the mere presence of that breath of life on his skin giving him hope; repeating himself and willing to do so all night if it would get them through this to a better place. "You are not responsible for my survival. You do not OWE me anything. All you are responsible for is keeping yourself alive. And staying as much yourself as life lets you."

"Don't want you to need me!"

Barney pulled him tighter at that half-angry half-anguished cry, almost too loud for his ear, the fists thumping into his back making him grunt. "What I need is my problem. You are not responsible for me."

"I don't want you to *die* because of me." Lee shuddered and suddenly was gripping his back fiercely.

Barney laughed painfully, knowing he couldn't promise that. "I get that. I do." Barney felt shivers of too-long-denied reaction start in his own chest as his memories slashed in. Hunching, his words were mumbled through the shoulder of Lee's shirt; and still shook. "But I can't... I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

It was Lee that was pulling now, holding *him* and trying to rub reassurance into his back, "You were."

"No. Not like you needed." The anguish that even *he* could hear in his tone twisted through him -ghostly quiet Lee at the edge of the crowd as Barney tried to get used to the dynamics, tried to figure out what to do with them all. Quieter and quieter among all the louder voices. He should have... tried *harder* to make him let Barney in, damn it! To make time for them to hang out without all the rowdies. 

They were both desperately holding each other now, arms wrapped tight enough to hurt, faces buried in necks -and no one was going to mention any dampness they felt. "That's *my* problem. And you were there, you didn't push me away, that was enough. I got by. I always have."

The ragged words twisted in Barney's gut. Even having started to realize back on that chopper, even with holding him through the start of nightmare after nightmare. How could he have been so **fucking** blind to his friend?? Never mind the rest of this! "Don't fucking want you *getting by*. Need you *happy*!"

Lee gave a small hurt laugh, puffed in Barney's neck, "Thought I wasn't supposed to care about what you needed." But he was pulling Barney some fraction tighter, breathing jerkily, "We are both a fucking *mess*."

Barney remembered having the same thought and grimaced sadly, "Not news. I just can't- being near me is death." when Lee made a noise of denial, he shook his head, carefully in their twisted up limbs, "But if... if the alternative is just a slower death... I- I think I can ignore the guilt while you live." He'd have to; he'd tear himself to worse pieces trying to live with the death he couldn't un-see in Lee's eyes.

At that, Lee forced his head back against Barney's tight hold until their eyes could meet, looking a decade older than he should, pale and flushed at the same time, and overall just as wrecked and gritty-eyed as Barney felt. And then he leaned forward; and kissed him. 

Lee. 

He should have been shocked. But all he felt was the easing of some of the godawful tension this confrontation had created in him. This wasn't goodbye. Wasn't anger. 

Was clumsy and awkward, too close and desperately tight and neither of them at first thinking to tilt their nose the fuck out of the way. 

But was, most of all, wet and close and intimate as hell, and he heard himself moan in protest when Lee pulled back after some piece of time he had no sense of. Not wanting to give up the amazing mindspace he'd just found, he had to force himself to open his eyes and meet the steady look Lee had on him. 

"You love me?"

Barney stilled, swallowing. Shit. He hadn't meant to let that slip like this; even *he* knew that was not the way it was supposed to be. "Yeah."

Lee took a deep breath, straightening in Barney's reluctantly loosened arms and getting more serious, but at the same time seeming *calmer*. Negotiating instead of freaking out. "I hate the idea that if I fuck up and get myself killed you'll-"

Barney shook his head, too comfortable holding him, even loosely, to get an arm free to silence him any other way. "Lee. You don't have to *worry* about meaning the world to me. It has nothing to do with anything you *do*, only with what you *are*. And there's *no way* you can change it. Or screw it up. You stay alive for yourself, because *you* deserve to live. Not for me. You can't be responsible for my choices. You worry about what makes *you* happy; the rest'll take care of itself."

Lee's lips twisted in wry self-deprecation, the facsimile of a smile extending to his eyes, "*You*'re what makes me happy."

And for a few seconds, Barney's mind froze, eyes dropping shut. He'd suspected. He *had*. That just.. didn't prepare him to hear the words.

But then Lee's voice hardened, and Barney's eyes opened to dark anger he'd never had aimed at him, "...Do you realize you tried to be responsible for *my* choices?"

He'd have stepped back in surprise from the sudden fury, but the arms around him held him in place, "Lee?"

"You say you know you can't keep me safe behind you. But you shoved me out of your life; refused to listen to me. Took away my choices and damn near fucking THREW YOUR LIFE AWAY!" Barney flinched at the shout, ignoring the hands shaking his shoulders, "In front of my fucking eyes!" The loud anger was real, but the shine in the eyes was what made Barney feel like a lowlife, what made him see a pale face, and nightmares twisting features he'd loved for years. And then Lee's anger dulled out, leaving tired fear behind that was a thousand times worse, "You think you can do that and then stand there and say I can't do the same?? Can't do what *I* have to to keep YOU from danger you're refusing to see?"

"Lee-" This time he did untangle them and brought his hands up to Lee's face, bringing their foreheads close and breathing on his lips, thanking any power that gave a shit about the two of them that Lee still let him, "I'm sorry. I swear. I swear I-" he shuddered, unable to think of anything he could say to make up for that. The bleak death he'd seen on Lee's face when he'd cut him out was suddenly forcing itself out of the darkness he'd buried it in. He'd refused to acknowledge what it meant, then: refused to see what he was doing. So damn stuck in trying to NOT watch Christmas or Toll or Doc, or even Gunner, twisting on the ground like Caesar. Or worse; NOT twisting. 

But instead, *he* was the one who hurt them. "I'm sorry."

Lee's hands came up, mirroring him, voice just as choked off, "If we're doing this, we're doing it even. You don't fucking take a single extra risk. You don't try to keep me safer than you." The hell in Lee's eyes was too familiar for Barney to pretend not to recognize, "That.Doesn't.EXIST."

He knew what that meant. Couldn't *not* after- But for LEE to- Fuck. Lee... God, please. "I don't suppose I can ask, *beg* you, to live if I-"

"No."

Barney shuddered painfully, head dropping as much as the hands on him allowed, eyes closing, hands dropping to grip at Lee's shirt over his chest, hating the thought of Lee's life cut short. Hell, even if he wasn't-

"And I know damn well it bugs you to be older."

His jaw clenched at hearing his thoughts spoken out loud. Fuck, how could he do this?? Lee deserved better than-

Thumbs gently slid just under Barney's closed eyes and stroked at the tension lines that Barney knew appeared there, intimacy and tenderness inherent in touching the delicate skin, Lee's voice soft in their little corner of the dark world, "We could die together in the stupidest car accident tomorrow morning. No matter how it happens, I'd rather die with sweet memories." He felt Lee lean forward, then the light stroke of his nose along his. Lips just touching his in passing; fucking drowned in tenderness and unable to do more than hold on to whatever body part was near. "I could be crippled on the next op and you could outlive me to be a hundred-"

Barney didn't bother moving a muscle, but his voice was rock-firm. "No." 

And Lee's sigh wasn't surprised... or arguing anymore. "I *know*. I can wish too." Barney huffed at the unfamiliar wistful tone; they were getting through to each other. Even if *he* wished Lee would- Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a distance between you and I  
> A misunderstanding once  
> But now we look it in the eye  
> -Rascal Flatts, Life is a highway
> 
> “One day, someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.”  
> ― Anonymous


	9. RST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's like.. christmas? lol!  
> so. last part! exited? I know *I* am! one less monster I failed to finish!
> 
> and more apologies for phoning
> 
> and the last scene conversation are courtesy of a friend... who I meant to ask permission before using... so hope is fine :D

Nothing was perfect, but still, somehow the silence was nice, now. Their bodies close without the earlier panic. 

Though Lee could feel Barney's shoulders starting to droop with tiredness the old mercenary wouldn't admit to until he passed out. Not that he was in much better shape, but the catnaps in the shop and on the drive were enough for his field-trained body to go a bit longer. When Barney's head actually dropped forward as he no doubt tried to fight dizzy tiredness, Lee started walking backwards to the bed, "Come on. Bed."

Barney didn't fight the move, slurring against Lee's cheek, "I meant to wait until we were rested to have this out."

"Yeah?" Lee carefully separated them, getting a grip on Barney's shoulders, and deliberately gave his very fit and manly self a slow smoldering look, tired pulse of anticipation firing through him. "Well, we can do something *else* when we're all rested."

Straightening clumsily, Barney chuckled, awake enough for Lee to see awareness in his eyes as they cruised over his own body, and the kickboxer laughed, focusing on how free he felt; they were too done in to keep arguing. Still grinning, he slid his hands to lay on hard pecs, nothing but thin cotton separating him from what he knew looked like smooth skin, deliberately pressing to feel the strength, ignoring as his due the pleased-with-himself look hiding in Barney's eyes. Sliding up and out, he slid both hands onto shoulders and under the loose top, following along heavy arms until the oversized shirt fell of its own accord.

"Thought we were waiting 'till we were rested."

Lee snorted at the complete lack of resistance to such an idea from a man who couldn't even hold his head up properly at the moment. He dug the bottom of said man's Tshirt out of his jeans, slowing as he got his palms flat on the hot skin of his sides and started to slide up; slow and deliberate, enjoying watching awareness flare as much as he felt his own. If they were really doing this... it was good to know they were as together as they were in the field. 

Slow glide over side-abs and ribs changed to delicate skin and coarse hairs scratching his palm as Barney docilely -that *could* just be tiredness- raised his arms. Gripping pinches of material to make sure the collar followed up and over chin and nose as Lee's touch followed the barely-scarred skin of the underside of arms. When lips popped free of collar, he scooted forward to steal a kiss from the blind man, "You just stand there and let me strip you down to boxers and then I'll make sure you rest as much as you need."

Barney's twisted grin darkened as the shirt was pulled all the way off him, "You need to sleep, Lee, and with those nightmares-"

Lee raised a hand in 'stop', "You say you trust me to-", he waved his hand, "Not mess this up-"

Barney's frown changed to worry and he interrupted, "I do."

Lee nodded, calm but firm, "Then trust me to guard your sleep and keep you from getting stuck in nightmares." To think of actually having the right to do it...

"..You're exhausted, Lee, you-"

Lee's jaw clenched, glaring, defences rising; he'd known this wouldn't work. "I'm a grown man, Barney. I have 25 years of experience pushing my body. I know what I can take. You either trust me or you don't."

"..I do." 

This time Lee caught the flicker in Barney's jaw and he stilled, brain kicking in and recognizing fear. He felt himself soften, the anger leaving him in a familiar rush of pain. "Barney. You have to sleep, you *know* that." He stepped closer, wrapping him back in a hug, hands sliding on smooth skin instead of cotton, "You're not alone, remember? If you trust me to.. take care of you, then prove it. I won't let you get stuck in hell." They both knew too damn well that's what was waiting for the tired man in his arms. Watching a friend die was hard enough, no matter how often you went through it. But this.. Night demons knew how to use *this* to twist them to shreds; this he knew too well.

 

Even hearing the words made the terror that had been lurking at the back of his mind grow, and Barney shuddered, holding on. But he couldn't let Lee go back to doubting himself; and he did know he'd have to sleep eventually. He could face the pain. 

He had to. One day it'd be real.

"Barney?" 

He just nodded, cheek rubbing against the other man's sandpaper, knowing he owed Lee verbal acknowledgment but more than willing to let him talk some more with that new soft tone first. 

"Love you."

Fuck. 

"Low blow." Except he was shivering and tightening a deathgrip on Lee's waist as he muttered it. 

Stupid blind fuck. He really was. But he couldn't deny, 'cause he'd be lying through his teeth if he did, that he needed this. That explosion was burned on his retinas: he would never have been able to bury the memory alone. But Lee... Lee's hands had tamed it before. If that loving touch was with him through the night.. he almost thought he might be able to get through this. Even though Lee should be the one getting more sleep.

But those words...

Lee's familiar warm chuckle breathed into his ear, knowing and understanding and ready to ease off the intensity that had suddenly sparked up. "Anything you say." 

And fingers that could spin a knife and throw a bullseye from across the street.. pretended to be slow and clumsy undoing his button fly until he pleaded shuddering mercy for a tired old man.

\--

This time, holding Barney wasn't remotely odd. Laying side by side in a comfortable bed, in boxers out of some weird desire to have something to take off when they got around to sex, but otherwise skin to skin, there was no awkwardness. Barney's head fit against Lee's shoulder, Lee's arm under his neck. The warmth of Barney's skin, hard with muscle and marked with scars and ink, against his own, one of Barney's knees snug between Lee's. No armour or weapons or audience. Or schedule to keep.

This time, he *knew* Barney could hear his heartbeat clearly; had felt him press his ear to it before finally dropping to sleep. And Lee hadn't said a word about how badly it *still* shook him for Barney to let him see him *needing* Lee. He'd made himself keep his free hand calmly on Barney's waist, and settled for burying his nose in thick, dark, hair; weirdass mousse and all. Breathing through the burn in his eyes.

Within minutes of starting the bearable snoring Lee knew from a thousand ops, Barney tensed and his breathing sped up. And Lee curled the arm around his neck, shifted his lips to the exposed ear and whispered, "Shhh, shhh, it's alright, I'm here." -And how could that now feel so much easier to say? To.. *accept* the power of?- When Barney jerked almost awake, Lee kept whispering, free hand stroking the twitching muscles of his back, "Eeeeasy. Sleep. Sleep in peace. I'm here." 

And Barney's face pressed tighter to Lee's chest, silent and still shivering, but he slowly relaxed back to sleep. 

Grabbing and holding onto one of Barney's hands between them, Lee let his thoughts wander in the warm spring night. Wondered how long it would take for the first problem to happen; for him to screw up. 

Oh but it *did* feel like some crazy small bit of heaven to just lay here and soak in everything that was Barney. Scent and sound and holding and being held. Safe knowing Barney would never let him fall; strong, his caring accepted. Sound of trusting rest from a nose cracked too many times to work right.

"Shhhhh." He hummed softly when he felt the faintest start of a twitch in Barney's chest muscles against the back of his hand. And Barney just moaned a bit and snuggled closer.

..At least he could do this much. 

He couldn't fathom what he was supposed to do with Barney loving him, though. At the thought, he couldn't help tightening around the man he held. They were both so fucked up by the lives they'd led, he couldn't imagine how they were supposed to figure out how to love each other. How *he* was supposed to do ANY of what Barney had gone on about. That Barney, whom he couldn't help but trust, believed it all so calmly was the only reason Lee even entertained the idea.

He *wanted* it to be true. Wanted.. **this**, EVERY night. Worktime, downtime, nighttime, yeah. For as long as they could cheat death.

He automatically hummed as he felt tension start again. 

Cohabiting, he could almost picture; there had been busy periods, between cleaning up from the last job and prepping for the next, where they'd both ended up eating and sleeping in the plane, towels and dirty laundry and dishes passed between them. But.. there had to be more than that to being.. 'lovers', or.. what was it now, 'partners'?

The fact that he couldn't imagine it was probably further proof that he was going to mess this up sooner rather than later.

But if Barney loved him... then Lee leaving him behind for his own sake would hurt him as bad as it had damn near killed Lee to have Barney stare at him with death in his eyes and say they were done. He couldn't do that to him. He'd have to deal with the guilt when he hurt him and hope the hurt left Barney angry enough to bury the pain.

And maybe... maybe they really could give each other some sweet memories to eventually look back on. Assuming one of them *didn't* manage to get themselves killed and drag the other out with them. And he couldn't let himself think of that or he'd never be able to work an op again for the fear of failing.

The hours trickled by as he made himself come up with some of the things he'd like to have a memory of an imperfect reality of instead of a perfect fantasy. Staying awake like any good guard does, but without his senses needing to be nearly so painfully on alert. Though they were paying plenty of attention to everything about the body against his. Body that too often needed to be soothed away from pain.

\--

After no more than five hours, he felt Barney shift in his arms: not in the sudden jerks of fear and pain that had forced him awake a couple times, but in the slow languorous stretches of waking.

Frowning slightly, Lee waited to see Barney's eyes flicker open, feeling his heart catch at how relaxed he looked. Hell, if only he really could actually wake up to this for the rest of his life... "What are you doing awake?"

He got the lip quirk and a barely-comprehensible gravel answer, "Joys of getting older. Can't sleep long anymore."

"Oh. Thought it was the field that made you wake up so early."

The hand he still held shifted as Barney shrugged, "Nope. Though it's handy there." Letting go of Lee's hand, he started to shift himself up to the pillows, "Come on, your turn."

Lee gave him a hard look, "If I didn't know you better..."

"Not lying, Lee."

"Umph." But he did know him, so he finally shuffled down, hoping that Barney would manage to keep his own nightmares away again. The novelty of not waking up panicked had been as nice as Barney's lap as a pillow, even if it *had* been platonic.

\--

"What are you doing?"

Lee shrugged, continuing to stroke the drowsing man's face from cheekbones to jaw. "Staring." Barney had had to wake him a few times out of familiar stubborn nightmares of searching bloody rubble for a burned and broken body, and he knew there had been others that had disturbed his rest, but he'd gotten damn near 8 hours of sleep, one way or another, by the time his eyes had drifted open to the sight of the swirls of colour on Barney's chest and the unfamiliar smell of sleep-warm body wrapped around him. 

He was still drowsy, and Barney was looking tired again. Trips to the john to piss and freshen up enough to feel civilized and Barney had lowered the drapes before they'd both wordlessly dropped back into bed. Sleep or.. something else; either one would be good for them.

"..Why the hell would you do that."

Lee laughed, low and still deep from sleep, the sarcastic tone had been at complete odds with the way Barney kept nudging into his touch. "Fishing?" Not that he couldn't think of things to say, even if the man was anything but what his 20-year-old self had thought he'd fall for. But fall he had, heart, body and soul, until the sun was brighter for lighting on skin he knew, now, was as smooth as it looked; and he'd practised his old poker face to be able to get more than a few looks over the years. Those were some of the moments where he'd wanted there to be nothing but the two of them. 

Now that he actually had that... he could offer compliments. But he didn't really think Barney had any interest in hearing him prove how much of a sap he was.

Lee shifted his touch to tracing around the eyes when they rolled under closed lids, feeling Barney's hands start to smooth his sides as he muttered firmly, "No. You're demented."

Making himself breathe normally through the rising arousal from those calloused fingers exploring so slowly, Lee tried for a casual shrug, working to focus on their distracted banter. "Inevitable, I guess. Been keeping bad company for a hell of a long time."

Barney's eyes opened, his smirk fading, watching Lee with awareness that said he wasn't going to be convinced to get more rest.

"We still alright?"

Lee didn't answer right away, continuing his lazy strokes. He still couldn't really picture where this went. Based on what he remembered of the last time he'd bothered to keep an apartment instead of a motel room, Barney's utilitarian, and *tidy*, house was going to suffer from his presence. A few years hadn't changed him *that* much.

But they'd found a compromise for the cockpit, he remembered that, now; and Barney only ragged him a *little* for messing up his hangar. He finally shrugged, making like he wasn't worried. Knowing Barney could read the truth on him; even without his shirt on. "I'm sure we'll argue about a thousand things. Just like we always do."

It was a few seconds before Barney accepted the mixed response with a quiet sigh, and relaxed, just as deliberate as Lee. Then pulled on a patently false innocent look, "We don't argue. We discuss shit."

Lee couldn't help a loud snort at that, uncounted rants exchanged over the years coming to mind, "Riiight. At high volume with many swear words. Energetic discussions." He leered, "I keep forgetting you're Italian."

He almost choked at the **prim** sniff the man HAD to have learned from a female relative. "Italian-American. Better than being a tightass Brit."

An evil grin spread on Lee's face, firmly ignoring the reaction from the mentioned anatomy, "Oh you think so, do you?" with combat-trained efficiency and speed, he got them untangled and made to get up, "Well then, I'll just take my tight-"

He saw the blur of movement on the edge of his vision and started laughing long before the unforgiving weight of Barney's muscled-bound body slammed his back onto the soft bed. Rocking up into the imprisoning weight, he let Barney hold down his arms as teeth closed gently on his jaw.

\--

Between more than a bit of exercise, followed by a bit more mutually nightmare-disturbed napping, it was a couple hours before they got the fuck out of bed and went rampaging Barney's cupboards for food.

Stale bread with slightly dry cheese could be rescued with a controlled amount of microwave time to melt but not turn to liquid the cheese. Lee had hit start on his second batch and was staring at the spinning tray through the shielded front pane when he felt Barney's warm bare chest press against his own bare back, arms wrapping around to lay on his stomach. 

Focused on his food, he was still a little curious at the strange, unfamiliar behaviour, "Barney, what are you doing?" 

"Cuddling." 

Lee hit stop when he was convinced he'd seen enough bubbles, distractedly feeling Barney move with him, not letting them get separated. As warm and simply *peaceful* as it was... "....What?" Since when did Barney-

"Shut up, you like it."

Yeah, but... Oh. Well shit... if THAT was being in a relationship... maybe he *could* handle this...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S DONE! IT'S DONE! IT'S DONE!!!!!!


End file.
